Assalammualaikum.

Why is it that when you do something right for once, people are willing to disown you and they keep insisting that what you did was wrong? It never came across my mind that leaving something that Allah forbids is wrong. I can't please everyone, yes, but I must please Allah. Each time I do my best to improve myself and change for the better, other people keep dampening my spirits.

I want to leave the bad moments I never wish to see again. I want to leave the days that I consider Jahilliyah. I want to be the person that I am truly meant to be. I do not want to continue living in a dillusional world unlike some people I know. I have finally found myself. And I found myself amongst people who are like me, people who want to make this world a better place. Why do you hate me so much?

I never thought myself as a competition to you. Never. As a matter of fact, I look up to you. I used to idolize you, talk about you to my friends who think I am irritating. And I was so proud when someone actually said we were similar. I was so proud to be like you cause it showed that you influenced me positively. Why? Why now? Why did you say all the things you said? What have I done wrong????

Yes, I lied to you. But it was a white lie. I didn't want you to know the main reason I left that job. I didn't want you to create a big hoo-hah out of it.

Right now, all I can do is pray. Pray to Allah that you didn't really mean the things you said and that you will eventually come to you senses. Yes. COME TO YOUR SENSES. Continue being this way and the girl who supposedly changed you will NEVER come back to your arms.

People keep saying that their problems are bigger than others, yes. But for once, think of others, and not yourself. It's bad enough that we both have a useless man as a father. A father who didn't even contact their children when he wanted to remarry but expect them to visit his newborn child.

For your info, I have ever thought of living with that man. My life will be worst if I go there. Say what you want. Keep throwing harsh comments at me. Keep saying that I am an embarassment to the family just because I am bloody fat. Do what you want. I wouldn't want to give a damn either because you don't give a damn about me either. All along, you put on a mask in front of me just to please ibu. Unless you tell me what I did wrong until I deserve that kind of criticism and horrible words, I'll just pretend nothing happened.

Some of you might say that's not what I should do, pretend that everything's normal. But that's what I've been doing for the past few years. I always pretend that everything's normal because the only way to solve problems is to have both parties willing to change. And that can only happen if the two parties TALK.

If I am such an embarassment, kill me. I dare you. Kill me. Get rid of me from your bloody life. Easy. Problem solved. I haven't had it, huh? Sure. That's why I'm fat. I feel happiness when I eat. Rather than I starve and let all the good food to waste while people in Afghanistan have no food to eat, I eat.

Anyway, you should be thanking Allah that I'm not one of those girls who shave their eyebrows till they look as though they are permanently petrified, hanging around with guys as though I'm married to them, smoking 5 boxes a day and happily donning tattoos. Thank God for that.

Right now, the only true peace I find is when I'm with my YLN and Fityan friends. Somehow, my friends make a better family. Afterall, friends are family you choose.