Musings of A Girl Named Sharmee

The silence of a woman may mean anything; she may need you, hate you, want answers, want an apology or perhaps she just wants you. Nevertheless, her silence is golden as it really means something. Her silence needs to be inferred and investigated like a police officer solving the mysterious death of a celebrity. One must not ever assume that her silence means nothing, because it will ultimately bring harm to anyone who crosses her path.

I suppose I am keeping mum about certain things I don't wish to disclose to anyone. And perhaps that's the reason I've been keeping myself busy with activities to prevent myself from thinking about it. It's a horrible feeling when you try your best to keep things only to yourself because you don't want to harm any more people. It's even more tortureous to know that you're hiding a fact from yourself.

I feel like I'm starting secondary school all over again. Yes, secondary school and not primary school. Why, you may ask? Because history is repeating itself and I know for a fact that the past is the one that shapes the future. I may sound deep but it is true, at least to me. It's the same thing all over again.

You may say it is my ego. Yes, I do admit it is my ego. No one can ever deny that they do not have an ego. I am tired of being the one who has to give in. All my life, I have been the one to be blamed although I am not. I forgive others easily because I believed that if I did, they would do the same to me. I believed that if I forget about what they did to me, they would forget what I did to them.

It's really sad when you've seen someone work their way to the top knowing that you helped them in one way or another and all of a sudden, they disappeared from your life and pretended you never existed. If you do happen to stumble upon them, all you get is a 'hello' and 'goodbye'. If you really needed to see them, they put on a professional exterior as though you were their client. If you called them, the only thing you get is a busy tone or the answering machine.

It's even sadder when you've been so close to them like sisters and the next moment, you're the one whom the fingers are pointing to. You tried your best to help them get back on track, but perhaps your ways were not favourable. You tried other means but you still get a middle finger shoved into your face. Sometimes, it's not just the finger. They hurl words you never thought existed in your face and at the same time expanding your vocabulary.

But you know what's even sadder? When the entire crew isn't on your side. They refuse to hear the other side of the story. They think you don't want to have any sort of relationship with you just because you kept mum. They think your silence means nothing. And nothing means 'I am right and you are wrong.' You never said those words and you never meant harm by keeping quiet. All you wanted was to explain and an answer from them as well. You needed to spill the beans because you knew it was the truth. It was something that shouldn't be hidden from the others. And they knew very well of it.

Then you became a stranger to them. When everyone was back in the old school happily with their own clique of friends, you were the loner. The only one hopping around from clique to clique talking to them so that you won't look too awkward or strange. But deep inside, you knew you just didn't want to talk to them at all.

Text messages never existed, what more phone calls? Emails? How you wish. Skype calls? Ok fine, you get my point. But it was even more hurtful when you thought they would at least try to talk to you, they didn't bother at all.

All I'm saying is, you can never survive a broken relationship unless it's the ones with your very own blood. Learn to live alone because in the Hereafter, it's just you and yourself. But try to remember that whatever you're doing now is to please the Almighty. Please Him and you might feel at ease.

I suppose I am keeping mum about somethings I don't wish to disclose to anyone. But this song tells it all.

The Right to Write Me Off- Amber Pacific

Can we make this last forever
With every word we're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you know

It's growing old to see us torn by every choice that I have made
In every instant you were right to write me off and move ahead
And I think I let you down, I throw it all away
I never meant to break it up or make you feel this way

It's getting colder through these walls that seem to thin to break us now
A perfect ending still in line though it seems our time is running out
And just a call from you would make this go away
I never felt this day would come, I'll never be the same

Can we make this last foreverWith every word you're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you go
Can we make this time together
Seem as though we never started
And it's hard to be the only one to know

Through open eyes I sense a feeling painted black that lines your heart
It's bleeding through just like the colors that I've seen right from the start
And if I had the choice to do this all again
Would you be inclined to notice it or would you just pretend...

Can we make this last forever
With every word you're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you go
Can we make this time togetherSeem as though we never started
And it hurts to be the only one to know

Remember how we used to be...
Remember how we used to be...

Can we make this last forever
With every word you're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you go...
Can we make this time together
Seem as though we never started
And it's hard to be the only one to know...

Can we make this last forever
With every word you're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you go
Can we make this time together
Seem as though we never started
And it's hard to be the only one to know

Fityan Recreation was a TOTALLY AWESOME EVENT!!!! I love the people, the food, the games and the noise, babeh!!! Enjoy the pictures. Some of other pictures can be found at www.fityan-ghufran.blogspot.com.

Me, Hanis and Nazihahaha.

Hanya Sehari Lagi

Hanya sehari lagi
Benarkanku menghilangkan awan-awan kelabu
Yang bermain di fikiranmu
Izinkanku menerangi laluan kegemerlapan
Yang mendahagakan cahaya nur
Agar dapat kau melupakan dan memaafkan
Dosa dan nodaku terhadapmu

Hanya sehari lagi
Biarlah peristiwa hitam semalam
Pudar dari ingatan kau dan aku
Usah bangkitkan kesilapan yang tidak terkira
Yang kelihatan seperti pepasir di pantai
Jangan endahkan lagi mereka di sekelilingmu
Tapi renungilah wajah yang terpaut di muka cermin itu

Hany sehari lagi
Sebelum aku lesap dari muka bumi ini
Sebelum aku akhiri masaku di dunia yang fana ini
Sebelum aku meninggalkan setakat name di batu nisan
Sebelum aku bertemu dengan Mungkar dan Nangkir
Sebelum aku dapat melihat senyuman terukir di bibirmu

I wrote this after Cikgu Halimah thought us the basics of Malay poetry. It's not that good but at least its something. I don't know why I'm feeling so down today. I'm supposed to be superbly happy cause I had done something I've always wanted to do. To create my very own artwork. The artwork I've been working on is still drying so I won't load any pictures untill I'm done.

Going off for the war memorial service at City Hall tomorrow with the History class. A bit excited, but not as excited for Friday when I host the Chinese new Year concert for the JC 1s. And yeah, I think I'm hosting the campfire for the second orientation. Screw Azy! She totally ditched me during the auditions. Haha. She was making a fool out of herself so she don't need to host. Bleargh. I'm still gonna throw you down the fourth level, Azy.

And yes. I need bloody answers. GOD PLEASE HELP ME!

Salam to you!

UBER LONG WEEKEND. But no photos to post. So on Saturday, I was kicked out of the house. Pun intended, people. Mummy went to Johor to attend to her precious plants that she just planted. I had a choice of either following her or stay at home and rot my ass off before school officially starts. But Ajo just had to spoil my plans.

Ajo: You go follow ibu back to Johor. I want the whole house to myself tonight.
Me: Why? I got work to do.
Ajo: I don't care. You be gone tonight! I want to party with my friends.

So I thought to myself, rather than live through the torture of being with 10 guys in the same house, I decided to go back to Kak Mira's place. I was bullied by Fendy and Naqiyah as usual. Fendy started silat lessons at the Community Centre so I became his punching bag for the night. What to do? I love that kid too much. Naqiyah, on the other hand, was being very moody and she didn't want me carrying her at all. Better, anyway, cause she's very difficult to look after. I keep dumping her to Kak Mira each time she cries.

So Sunday was not the lazy day I planned for. Went to airport with Danial, Fahmi and Faizal to study. Yeah. I studied Econs when I don't even know if I get to stay in MJC. Weird but waddaheck, according to Bro Azrul and Bro Hilmi, all JC students are weird.

Anyway, Chinese New Year coming and I'm really looking forward to the long holiday. After the concert, I need to bake cake for the Fityan Recreation on Saturday. Weird. Cause I'm baking a cake for the February babies when I am one of them. Lol.

Still can't get over the fact that I'm going to JC. Two more years and I'll probably be in NUS or NTU.

CAN TIME PLEASE SLOW DOWN?????

First time ever in my life......

I got an A1 for English!!! And it's going to be on a certificate. Yay me. But I can stay in MJC. That is all that matters.

I LOVE YOU MISS MURNI!!!! THANKS FOR MARKING MY HORRIBLE ESSAYS AT THE LAST MINUTE!!!!

Click the link. They're performing for Baybeats and they have super awesome music. They sound a bit old school. At first, I thought they were playing some P. Ramlee song but actually they werent. Haha.

I'm chasing cars around my head to waste time. HAHAHAHA. Sorry. It's some inside joke. Less than 2 hours to the verdict. Whether I'm staying in MJC or not. If I can't make it to MJC, I'd rather go poly. Seriously. Cikgu Halimah says she'll merajok but I'm the one who should merajok. Haha. I'm like trying to make time go faster. BLEARGH!!!! I'm just super excited.

Am I talking nonsense to you? I guess I am. I'm having the random cum nonsense time of the day.

I WANNA KNOW MY BLOODDDYYYY RESULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU 07A301!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS THE MOST!!!!!

Peace be upon you.

Seventeen. I guess I've finally turned that dreaded number. Now it seems so close before I turn 20. Bleargh. I've finally graduated from secondary school and hopefully I can make it to Meridian JC. Best of all, I think I've grown up.


I received birthday greetings the moment it was midnight. Sorry I couldn't reply your messages but now I wanna say a big thank you to all!!!! The irony was that I received messages from people whom I least expected to give me one. I weren't even close to them, I rarely talked to them, and even if I did, it was when I happen to be queuing up behind them in the canteen. On the contrary, the people I was closest to couldn't even afford a 5 cent sms with less than 20 characters in it? I'm not being perasaan by thinking that the whole world should wish me a happy birthday but at least my buddies should. I was waiting and waiting but I didn't receive any except one from one of them. It hurt me a little. Yes I did cry abit cause I am human afterall. But it's just so weird that no matter how much you care for someone, they might not be thinking of you even for a minute.

Anyway, the Meridians were sweet darlings. They suprised me with a cake and presents. It was sort of a joint birthday suprise for Melissa and me. By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!! She turns seventeen today and we made a pact to bully the rest of the class cause we're the eldest now. The cake says 'Happy Birthday Shamelissa' and we all thought that it sounded like Shame Lissa. Oh yes, it was my favourite Royal's Triple Chocolate Fudge cake.

Mastura actually came back to celecrate our birthday. Isn't she sweet? After 2 weeeks of her non-existence in MJC, I was so happy to see her that I screamed in her face when I saw her. No wonder Fana, Sarah and Sary were whispering the entire day before the suprise.

The birthday girls.

Colour bar. haha. I'm back to being black cause of playing soccer in the sun.

The gift the class gave to me. Yes I do care, darlings. Melissa got one that says 'Princess'.

Fana and Mas gave this to be. The card says 'Happy Birthday, my favourite kerbau'. Don't ask why kerbau cause it's really a long winded story that almost every other teacher in MJC asks when we're doing groupwork.

After the suprise, Sarah and Fana began chasing me with the cake. I warned them that the cake was expensive and don't waste it but noooooo... they decided to chase after me. And I fell. Guess what I got myself for my birthday? A sprained ankle. There goes my chance of playing goalie for today's match with RJC. That's why I'm at home alone now doing things I've been wanting to do since last week.

My ankle is not that big, okay? It's just super swollen and soft. It feels like a sponge.

Anyway, after the big hoo-hah that has been going on last week, I realize you can't cling on to the past. You will eventually reconcile and be friends again. But at times, you have to know that it isn't possible in all cases. Sure, I did reconcile with my daddy but I lost some friends at the same time. Nevertheless, you need to know what the opportunity costs are before you decide on something. And I know I did the right thing by letting go of people who I can't see eye to eye to. It's really no use trying to save a friendship that has no chance to survive.

People ask me why I can be so mean at times. The reason is that I choose my friends well. I go for people who are at the same wavelength as I am and people who I know I can hang out easily with. When you think you are friends but you end up not talking to each other for one hour despite being next to each other, I'm not too sure what kind of relationship that is. When you don't talk, you have tension. When you have tension, you have disagreements. And I suppose that's why I need to let go.

Someone once said to me, let the troubles of yesterday be gone forever. But if you can't then that's a sign. A sign that it's no use remembering their existence.

Trials and tribulations are a norm when living in Allah's world. But the biggest challenge is to keep the faith and remember the ones who loves you.

Results will be out on the 9th of February 2007.

I am dead. So dead. So bloody dead. And my mom wants to follow me get my results. NO WAY can she do that. I'll probably rot in the lecture theatres in MJC while waiting for the moment of truth.

I AM SO ****ING DEAD!