Musings of A Girl Named Sharmee

I saw this on teenvogue.com and immediately went to search for it. I don't care if it's USD54 cause I'll have the entire month's allowance to pay for it! Ramadhan is coming, and that means I'll be losing weight and more money to buy things.

AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS THIS PRETTY HEADPHONES!

I'm hyperventilating as I type this. It's like a blessing in disguise that my old ones broke.

I realised how much I missed my band of brothers and sisters over at Fityan Ghufran. The days and nights I spent at the mosque, the outings we went for and the numerous amounts of diabetic cakes I made for them. The good memories kept in my heart and the bad thrown away for good.

I'm forcing myself to do what is right so I can bring up the reputation of our society as a whole. I remember what brother Helmy told me after I got my O level results, "Go to a JC. It's the most direct way to a degree. Our community needs more people like that." I can be ignorant if I want to, but being ignorant means I'm denying my own flaws. Afterall, I am a Malay Muslim and no matter how hard I try to run away from that identity, I'm unable to do so. Yes, I want to be called a Muslim, not a Malay. But I want to be a successful Malay Muslim.

Liyana tagged me, telling me to do things I'm best at after my A's. I really want to. And that is the only motivation that is driving me to finish the A's with excellence. There really is no other reason for me to go through the A's. I put myself in the spot, so I shall jolly well finish it myself.

No matter how I deny it, I know I need the support. Fityan gives me the strength, courage and potential to reach my dreams. Yet at the same time, Fityan was where it all began. Where I often had conflicts with myself. Where I found my source of happiness, but just to lose it after a mistake of confiding in someone I just met. Where I realised we were just like 'siblings'.

Going through the photos of past Fityan events, I reminisced over the times we spent together. I miss them. I want to go back to the past. But I know God has other plans for me. People come and go, I know they do. Or perhaps I'm forcing myself to acknowledge that.

It's gonna hurt when it heals. I'm still healing so I'm still hurting. But please don't let me hurt too much.

A Singapore Malay Film Society announcement:

SMFS's 1st Malay short film under the Sinema Incubator Programme, "GENGGAM" is an up coming Action Drama/Thriller Short Film in High Definition format featuring the Malay martial art of Silat.

Please pass this message to friends and family interested in acting. Also note that those in attendance will also be listed in the SMFS's Talent Database for future film projects.

For the production, we are looking for:
Male/Female, aged between 11 - 50 years old of any race

To register, write in with any photo to: smfs@me.com

Audition Date: Saturday, 23rd August 2008
Audition Venue: Kampung Ubi CC, 2nd Floor (opp. Eunos Mrt)
Audition Time: 1pm - 4pm

See u there!
Join our facebook:http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=16987756594

First and foremost, congratulations to the winners of 8 Minutes Youth Film Competition. This year's competition saw more professionally done films by young filmmakers and intense competition. Though SKREM Productions did not manage to clinch any awards, as the only active member of the production crew, I believe that we have done the best we can. Telor Hangus will be uploaded very soon for the viewing pleasure of my friends.

Personally, I feel that Millenia Motions truly deserved the first prize. After winning the third prize last year, they rose to the occasion and clinched the first prize. They won the best actor award and the best sound design award.

And of course, my heartiest congratulations to Fityan Ghufran for winning the Jury Prize! Ustaz Irwan, Mohksin, Nassier, Azraie and Ustaz Ahmad did a great job on 3 o'clock. Funny, a bit lame but the Fityan touch was there.

After the screening at Cineileisure Orchard, I headed down to Madrasah Al-Arabiah for the screening of Tak Dong Cheng by Suffian Zainudin. Initially, I went there alone but left getting to know a lot of people I never thought I'd associate myself with.


Tak Dong Cheng is a story about 2 friends, Farid and Jas, who enter a lion dance competition without knowing the basics of this Chinese culture. The issue the director wanted to portray was that culture knows no boundaries, and is significantly evident in Farid's parents' disapproval of him joining the competition. Jas, on the other hand, faces a dilemma of choosing between the competition and his girlfriend's passion for dikir barat, a Malay culture. The similarities in the theme between Suffian Zainudin's Tak Dong Cheng and Yasmin Ahmad's Sepet are clear, but the former provides a more Singaporean touch.

The 36-minute film is filled with puns and jokes that are all too familiar with Singaporeans. Handkerchief bikinis, foreign talent and the local lingo 'pantat jag' (perky butt) give audience a glimpse of what is called the Singaporean Humor. Suffian Zainudin ends off the film with a reference to the national pledge where the theme is further established.

Tak Dong Cheng truly gives a whole new perspective of 'regardless of race, language or religion.'

FILM = For Islam, Love and Music.

I had a sudden epiphany while going up the escalators of Esplanade after Dental Appointment. My three loves combined into one. Jay Jay says it gives a whole new meaning to films. Why should Hollywood and Bollywood dominate the film industry when we Muslims can as well? And local films serve as a platform for local music to be heard. The love part? Everyone experiences love - family, friends and passion are what people love.

Post A Levels, I have loads of plans. But priorities must be set, eh? Just like how I place the A levels as a priority over my current desires.

I cannot wait for the release of Muallaf and the eventual Talentime, both by Yasmin Ahmad. Production is in process and I must say it's as eye-catching as her previous films; Rabun, Sepet and Gubra. On another note, I'm unable to join in the fun at Singapore Malay Film Society (SMFS) with the start of filming for Genggam (Fist), Singapore's first Malay feature film. Oh wells, I have 8 months to kill after A's and that time shall be spent on my next project, insyaallah.

It's 2am, and Neslo really makes me stay wide awake.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I want a happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

I'm starting to think about alternatives. Where to go if I don't make it to NTU School of Communications (I pray it will not happen). And right now, the only other thing that interests me is New York Film Academy. It feels like this is finally my thing. I'm not tapping on other people's success to achieve mine. Events is fun and probably a stable career, but I have dreams of my own as well.

Option 1: NTU School of Communications

Electronic and Broadcast Media. The only course that I have my eyes on so far. Pros: cheap, stay home, local internships and the security of following the norm. Cons: 'lack of opportunities', same old mundane life and being stuck in the same system I've been living in my entire lifetime.

Option 2: New York Film Academy

Going there brings a whole new meaning of 'The world is your stage.' It's not just about the place, it's about experiencing a learning style that is not of the norm in Singapore, the exposure of being elsewhere but Singapore and of course, the feeling of going over to New York to study and then coming back to be a successful filmmaker. Cons? Expensive.

Sometimes I wonder if I want to be normal. Can I even be normal in this country where people are often discriminated for being pregnant, wearing a tudong, being Malay etc etc? I have always loved being different, unique. Yet I ponder at times if it is all worth it?

God, I need to stop being idealistic.

Some times, I feel like being a cat. A domestic cat, at least. It's fun to laze around all day and have someone to hug and snuggle you to sleep. Now that's life.

So SKREM Productions has ended its latest project, Telor Hangus, yesterday morning. I had two cans of Red Bull original on Saturday night and managed to stay awake till 4pm yeterday. Shiok. I am happy with the film, but not contented enough. I guess my expectations are way too high for myself this time round. No crew, no Macbook to work on, no support - some of the difficulties I faced through out the 8 days. But I guess God has other plans for me. Managed to use Sofrie's Macbook for editing on the last day of the competition. I think he gave in when I called him at 3am on Saturday morning, crying on the phone.

Just one picture till the results are out. More behind the scenes photos are on my Facebook.

I am beginning to think that I want to do this for a living. I just need the strength I used to have. For some reason, I'm losing the self-esteem I used to carry around.

On another note, I would like to thank these people for their help:

Adam - for being a great cameraman
Sofrie - for taking the role of my lead actor, for lending me your Macbook and for being a true friend
Liyana - for tolerating the crew's nonsense and being the sound woman!
Afiq - for doing a great job in Telor Hangus
Akmal - your presence itself made the film even more impactful
Cik Ati - for being the next SURIA makcik actress. All my friends think you're from SURIA
Cik Syam - for letting us use your house. Sorry we messed it up!
IBU - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR DRIVING US AROUND AND GIVING ME THE SUPPORT I NEEDED THROUGH OUT THE ENTIRE COMPETITION.

So that will be my Oscars speech unless I get to do a proper one.