I'm feeling damn bloody emofied thanks to Imran Ajmain's Seribu Tahun. Yes. Laugh. I'm listening to a Malay song. But I'm only doing so cause it's local and he's well-respected. And he formed the Beats Society and he is also Miss Esther Lee's friend -

Why am I convincing you readers that I don't listen to Malay songs?

Back to the topic. I think my maternal instincts are kicking in. The irony since I have never had a boyfriend. I see my sisters having fun with their kids and I wonder if I will ever get any. But before I can get kids, I'd have to be married. So the question is, will I ever get married?

I look around for guys that could be my potential life partners but only now I realise that the problem lies within myself. I reflected on what the hell is wrong with me and I came to a conclusion. I don't attract guys the right way. I end up being their best friend. I admit, it is my fault dressing up as a funky dakwah girl who wears Vans sneakers all the time and talking about music that they listen to. Yes, these kind of things are the so-called conversation starters but mine usually ends up being things that we always talk about and then it ends up being the factor that binds our friendship. And if I have feelings for him, I'll push them away by saying to myself "No Sham. He is your best/good friend."

But then again, I see other girls as fat as me (some even fatter) holding hands with their boyfriends on the streets and going for movies or whatsnot. And here I am, walking alone listening to Demolition Lovers on my MP3. It got me thinking once more; I don't let guys touch me. Is that the reason? I said to myself and I will say to other girls out there "No. You're a proud Muslim so why should you forgo your innoncence just to get a boyfriend?" Guys don't want girls who they can't touch or meddle around with. So the problem lies within the guys this time round.

Then I took the test(read second previous entry) and the computer claimed that I am too shy. Yes, I am shy because afterall I am an Introvert. One of the questions asked if I'd rather jump into a relationship or be friends with a guy first. I answered the latter, of course, because I don't want to have any regrets. I have to know someone first before having a proper relationship with him. That again, points the arrow to me being the root cause of my own problem. I am Judgemental, I admit. One look at you and I'll start analysing with a scanner in my head what sort of person you are. If the test turns out postive, hello you! Let's be friends. But if it's a loud 'Access Denied' I'd probably give you my signature fake smile and turn my heel around

Many people ask why am I thinking about finding a life partner. The answer is simple. I've not seen enough good guys in my entire lifetime. It doesn't help to have a father who's not always there for you. And being married isn't easy. Just ask my sisters. They're married with kids and you don't know the shit they go through. You need to have a husband that will be there by your side your entire lifetime. It's not just about money and sex. It's about the emotional support as well. It's about being happy for the rest of your life.

I always plan things ahead of time. I visualise my calendar and there are marked dates indicating what activity or event I have. Same goes for my life. I've made plans for my future career but not for my own personal life. I have no idea when I want to get married or when to have kids. These tiny details will change the prospects of my future career. If I plan to get kids, I must make sure I earn enough to give them a decent living and not go through the shit I did. Failure to plan means you're planning to fail.

Yes, I can wait. But everyone's patience has a limit. I'll give myself 4 more years. If I turn 21 years old without a boyfriend, welcome to Spinsterville, Sham. Be a career woman minus the attitudes of the cranky old single woman like - I shouldn't mention names here. I hate to admit this but I'm already considering living the rest of my life alone. I'd probably join the Single People Association or whatever it's called. Then I can be friends with that Dr Fatimah, one of the Members of Parliament of Singapore. Hmmm... good idea.

Imran Ajamain sings "Jangan putus harapan... Relaku mengejarmu seribu tahun lagi." Well honey, I don't have time for that. So long and goodnight.