Jun: Don't you ever feel insecure, Sham?
Me: J, I'm still human.. I feel insecure each time I meet a new guy.

Junaidah was talking about confidence and self esteem issues when she asked my that. It was only then when I realised I've been pushing guys away from me cause of my insecurities. I feel that guys always deserve a much better girl than me. For one thing, I can get to strong headed at times. I mean, girls aren't supposed to do that. They're supposed to be sweet and demure and listen to whatever is told of them. I am a rebel and that is so not the wanita misali* trait.

I always feel that when guys want to get to know me, they do so for the wrong reasons. I mean, who in the right state of mind would want to get comfortable with a fat ugly bitch like me? Hello world? Guys are supposed to go for hot chicks. I may be one of the chicks you see in farm stays but I am not a hot chick. You see? Insecurities happen to me in times like these.

Then again, I believe that you should never flaunt your insecurities. You can have them, but don't let it be on exhibits. People might just exploit your vulnerabilities and make use of you. I know it is an irony that I am telling the whole entire world about my weakness but that's just some of it that I think you ought to know. Let's just say I no longer have any interest in the other gender.

Back to my point. I cover up my physical flaws with my tales. Don't say I'm egoistic but everyone out there has a talent. No matter how small it is. I can sing, host, act, direct and do public speaking. However, my flaws (being fat and ugly) is preventing me from entering the indsutry I should be in, that is media and showbiz. If I had a choice of being as hot as Kim Wakerman, I would have long gone entered One Minute of Fame when I was younger. By now, I would probably be hosting shows like Bring Your Toothbrush. Look on the bright side: God gave you wonderful talents but hidden with flaws here and there so that He can keep you on the right track. If whatever I wrote above were to really happen, I'd probably be deep in the midst of jahillyah (God Forbid!).

So to you reading this post, don't be too engrossed with your insecurities. Be thankful of what you have, be it a wonderfully hot body, beautiful eyes, long luscious hair or a gracefulness of a dancer, praise the Almighty and live life to the fullest.

Next time someone calls me fat, I'll say to them 'At least I'm talented and smart!'


Edited:
I must admit that I miss you and your crazy antics. I miss hanging out at Starbucks, mugging till we get kicked out by the baristas. I miss chasing after you after school to go mosque together. I miss every single thing that happened between us.

I wonder if I changed for the better, or that you changed for your own selfishness? It's not just me that feel that way but others who once cared for you feels as though you became someone we no longer know. Blame it on the personality profiling? I don't think so.

Have fun with whoever is your friend now. One thing is for sure, I won't come crying to you for forgiveness.