It's almost 2 in the morning and I can't sleep.

Aidilfitri is coming really soon and I can't wait. Surprisingly, my house is suddenly full of life this year. We're fixing new fans, painted the house a new set of colours, bought new curtains, and I'm making kuihs. I suppose it's because I didn't have a chance to celebrate it last year when I was mugging hard for O levels.

So anyway, I was at Youtube listening to Raya songs and I fell in love with two songs: Pulanglah by Aisyah and Cahaya Aidilfitri by Blackdogbone.

Somehow, I miss having a dad around the house. Ayah used to be so helpful and loving. When I had a problem, I would rather go to him than Ibu cause he always made me laugh instead of cry. Ibu can't listen to people's problems cause she can't handle them. I was a daddy's child back then. I would follow him around everywhere and when I wanted Barbie dolls or books, I'll go to him. He would give me extra pocket money and always advised me to study hard. Even though he was strict when it comes to our studies, I know fully well of his intentions. He wanted us to get the education he never had.

I remember when Kak Ica wanted to go to Australia to study the course she wanted so badly. Although we didn't have the money, he was willing to work extra hours and came home late just so he can fulfill his daughter's dreams. Ayah once said to me, 'Education comes first. You don't have it, you won't have a life.'

Being the youngest made me the closest to Ayah. We used to watch movies on weekends lazily in our living room with cushions thrown all around us. And when Ibu wasn't home, he'd cook for me and Ajo. And mind you, Ayah is a great cook. When he had nothing to do, he'd bring me along to Ikea or Geylang or Johor to go shopping. I admit, I am the luckiest of my siblings and thus my huge physical appearance.

I guess that's why I was badly affected when Ibu and Ayah divorced. I became rebellious and was almost a minah. Thankfully, other people came forward to save me from that fate. Just to mention a few, they were Fariheen, Miss Esther Lee, Mr Jared Oh and well yes, Faizal. If he never asked me to join Fityan Ghufran, I don't know what was to be of me.

It's been 3 years since I accepted the fact that my parents are now mortal enemies. My third Aidilfitri without outings to Geylang on the eve of Aidilfitri. My third Aidilfitri of spending the morning praying at the mosque with Ibu and then going to visit my relatives with Ayah in the afternoon. My third Aidilfitri crying for no apparent reason.

I really miss having a complete family. But I suppose it's better this way. Lesser noise pollution and peace at last. Lincoln Burrows from Prison Break once said, 'If you love someone, you have to let them go.' I believe so because now, I'm closer to my mum and I no longer take my dad for granted.

Sometimes I wonder if the stigma of divorce will be significant on me such that I won't ever have my own family.

Oh well, I'll pray for the best. I love you, Ayah. And I'll always be your little girl.